It's a beautiful picture and the characters seem lovely! 🥰
I agree about making the background a lot darker. It'll definitely make the characters more clear and will bring them forward. The two main characters on the left (the old one and the one right behind) sort of blend in to one another. In fact they all blend together a bit. I'll do a little editing on procreate to see what happens if I darken and desaturate some areas and lighten and add saturation to the main character...
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I've also brought the main character down a little, though I know you don't want to redraw! I just wanted to see if it would separate him more.
You could lessen the details in the background and background characters by taking out some of the linework and lessening the contrast and saturation.
I think having 4 light sources surrounding them has given you quite a challenge as it makes for less contrast and fewer clear shadows. Could you take a few fires away, or does that go against the story?
Best wishes for the book!