March WIP - feedback appreciated!

Neha Rawat

Eeek. Ok. Here’s my super complicated story.
So the main character is unaware of the chaos around him and the disaster that’s going to happen in the next moment.
The story is that the Girl fallen on the left has accidentally let loose her cats who are now chasing mice across the upper part of the stage. The boy on thr left is trying to catch thr cat by tugging on thr curtain rope which draws open thr curtains further revealing the chaos To the audience. The cats are chasing the mice and the mice are biting into things causing them to break and fall and collide with the main characters exhibit. I want to show like a domino effect of the chaos just before the climax.

Questions:

is there too much going on? Or not enough to sell the story?
should the main character be unaware or his eyes could be looking either right (at the star about to collide with him with a shocked look) or left (at the chaos of the fallen girl - maybe have an annoyed look for disturbing him)
should I show some spectators as well? I’m not sure if it’ll steal the focus coz I’ll have to show their gestures as well (either laughing or shocked at the chaos)

Help!

TessaW

is there too much going on? Or not enough to sell the story?

I personally love busy crazy scenes. I think you could add even more.

should the main character be unaware or his eyes could be looking either right (at the star about to collide with him with a shocked look) or left (at the chaos of the fallen girl - maybe have an annoyed look for disturbing him)

I really like that he's unaware! It leaves the story a lot more open and brings in more humor.

should I show some spectators as well? I’m not sure if it’ll steal the focus coz I’ll have to show their gestures as well (either laughing or shocked at the chaos)

I think spectators could work. Personally I'd like to see something more added to the scene, to really contrast between the dark chaos and the bright clean spotlight. Spectators might be a solution to this. More cat shenanigans or props falling or maybe stagelights could also work.

One small knit-picky thing is the use of the phrase "show and tell". Is it just me or does it feel slightly off for this context? When I think of show and tell, I think of a very informal classroom setting. But maybe there's fancier show and tells? I don't know. It might not even be an issue. Just throwing it out there.

Anyway, this is such a fun piece. I really like what you have so far and think that overall it's working very well. I think cats causing chaos is so funny. I've always wanted to do an illustration of a person trying to walk a bunch of cats like you do dogs, and having chaos ensue. I love the gesture of the guy on the right.

Neha Rawat

@TessaW Thanks Tessa! I think I agree with you on the spectators bit. I'll have a go on it!

We never had "Show and Tells" in our schools so everything I know of it is from TV and yes, you're right, it's always been an informal classroom setting.

What would be a better suited title (Annual Day? Talent Show? Annual Exhibition?)
Since I'd thought about Show and Tell, so I'd planned to have the other kids holding some props as well, but I can easily change it to some costumes for a talent show

Coley

Talent show works!

LauraA

Ah, so you picked a before moment! I was thinking of one as well, because it seems more powerful in my mind, but wasn't sure if the present continuous tense in the prompt (I teach ESL ) allowed for it. Why not, though? I love this kind of scene!

At first I didn't see the girl who had fallen and so didn't understand, but now I do and I'm sure that in subsequent sketches the dynamic will become clearer. (Haha, now I see the mouse swinging on the star!). If anything, I might squash the scene together a little more or add something in the empty space. If the spectators are shown in silhouette, from behind, they don't have to steal the scene. I agree that talent show or magic show or something of that sort would be more appropriate. And I love that the guy is blissfully unaware.

Look forward to seeing how this develops!

nwaller

The first thing that comes into my mind is, that "Being in the center of the storm" could be a bit too obvious for the subject, as probably a lot of people will pick something similar. Someone in the middle of chaos not realizing it.

But if you want to go for it I would choose a more dynamic approach, different camera position, different view point. More going on in the foreground as well. In general more chaos.

chrisaakins

@Neha-Rawat I love the idea but I didn't get what was going on at the first read. I would make the chaos even more chaotic. (chaosier? ) I would make the danger even bigger badder and bolder (To borrow from my theatre days) Maybe the star or moon in careening towards his head.

baileyvidler

@LauraA The present tense was stumping me too! Glad to hear it's not just me.

Neha Rawat

@LauraA Hahaha! Oh man the tenses didn't ever cross my mind! Yes, I'll take some time to figure out how to make the scene busier. Thanks!

@nwaller That's great advice! And POVs are something I really struggle with too. I'm currently taking the classes on perspective so maybe I'll try it out on a simpler composition first. Thanks for your feedback!

@chrisaakins Thanks Chris! I definitely need to up the chaos! And the star prop is actually swinging down towards the main characters head (I've drawn motion lines and the other dude ducking from it). Lol it'll all be clearer in the next cleaned up version. Thank you for your feedback! Appreciate it!

Neha Rawat

Here’s my first pass at the line art. I feel the line art looks busy enough (but lines usually do) so I think I’ll make a call on whether to add more chaos once I start colouring.

Though I think the sequence I had mentioned earlier about how the chaos started is not very clear (girl tripping and losing her cats who go chasing after mice etc.). It would be nice if it was but does it work if it isn’t?

demotlj

I think the chaos is well done but it took me a while to find the girl with the cat box though. If you hadn't said what the story was, I'm not sure I would have figured out why there were cats and mice on stage. Can she be more prominent? I love all of the characters (and the eyes peeking under the curtain!)

Neha Rawat

@demotlj thanks! I agree thr girl is getting lost in the chaos so the story isn’t as clear. I’ll try and make her more prominent :pot see if it works