10 Oct 2024, 20:12

@Fey-Realme I love that camera analogy which gives me a different perspective to emotions and how men work differently! I can see now that the story is more mature than what appeared in the first draft, which is a great things, showing emotions in a different light. And I like your goal to show that happily ever after is a lie, it makes that line at the beginning “they lived happily ever after. The end” make sense now.
With that new insight I can see that the last draft aligns more with what you are trying to portray!

I think since the mini prologue doesn’t take much word count you can add more details to the first act before he goes out searching for her.
I was reading a book that talked in detail about how sometimes in fiction we go along following a main character that is “not likeable”, and sometimes even very bad or mean, the main goal is to make us feel identified with him in some way, sympathy, empathy, or even understanding of what situations have made the character react or act the way they do.

After he wakes up and sees the mess in the house, he goes to a series of things where he says “again” multiple times, but if you “showed” that, like when in the movies make a montage of scenes from different days or months string together, we could see him one day tripping over her tangled thread mess and hurting himself, another day maybe he has spend all day finding(because he is blind) the chicken eggs just to have her carelessly knocks them over with her thread trailing after her, or something like that, where we see how the happy marriage is turning grey and how he is becoming frustrated. That way instead of being “told”, we would see his frustration building up and would feel sympathy or even empathy.
But that wouldn’t answer the why does he go to get her. I think adding a way to show that he also has other feelings would be very important even if he chooses anger to be the expressed one just to understand “why” is this character still married at all? Is he just possessive or does he have other feelings towards her?

A silly example is like in the incredibles movie, after they can’t be super heroes anymore, Mr incredible is extremely unsatisfied with his life, he is detached, but he also explodes in anger, but we understand why because we saw why he is so frustrated with life. Same with elasticgirl, she also displays anger at the beginning because we see how she feels she is the only one in the family trying hard to not get them discovered, so we understand why she is so frustrated at her family.

When he goes out to find her I think making it extra clear there is a caring reason for him, a blind guy, go out in the wilderness to find her, instead of him going just because she got lost and deserves punishment.

Lastly now that I understand your goal better, I think the act 2 should show more the progression from A to Z. I still feel the change of emotion at the end felt un-earned. I think the encounters through the adventure should help him encounter, see and act on his growth. The grumpy character at the cave seems to be a reflection of him, who could end up alone, the shepherd, although I liked the message I think it could be “shown” instead of told.

Thank you for taking the time to explaining the goal, I see now that instead of the “feel good” fairy tale I thought it was at first, is really a grounded story with honest and real depictions of emotions and relationships!

Edit: somehow I missed the last line of your message. I am still working on inking and finishing my “mini comic from the Comics Workshop 😅 . I really hope to finish it before the end of the year lol so I can go back to my story for my GN before the GN Pro launches.
I have 2 half baked ideas and I have to decide which one I will want to try to use for the class, once I decide, I would love to share my outline and get feedback! That will be super helpful and hopefully will get me back in motion, thank you for offering! 😃