10 Oct 2024, 15:03

@Mariana-B thank you so much for your time and your honest feedback! it is really helpful! That is valuable insight thank you so much!

I have really been struggling with the emotional journey of Wilhem because (after 4 years of marriage) I am constantly being reminded that men experience life very differently from women and that they experience emotions and stimuli (in a way) much more strongly. I want to portray the real experience of a man, not my feminine imagination of how they are.

Some recent discussions with my husband helped me see a bit better than men (to use a camera analogy) tend to have the exposure way up, so things are perceived with much less range of value and lots of areas might be washed out completely by the intense input (light in this case, feelings and stimuli in real life). In the same camera analogy, women tend to have the lens more dilated (with less exposure) so we can process the world, our feelings, and the outside stimuli with an enormous range of value (lots of nuances). That is why men can often seem one-dimensional to us ladies who live in a world of such nuance inside and out. Also, another striking difference between men and women is that women can jump around from emotion to emotion very quickly, while men are physically locked into negative emotions for a lot longer than women (this is why men tend to avoid engaging in relationship conflict or any negative stimuli because once they get worked up it takes a long time for the feeling to go away).
Men are less expressive about their emotional experience so it is easy to assume that they feel less, but that is just not the case.

so these are some things about the male experience that I have learned, and I really want to reflect these realities in my story. My main goals are to 1) show that "they were married and lived happily ever after" is a lie, marriage is the beginning of a difficult and crazy adventure and you are not going to magically live happily ever after 2) validate the male emotional experience, 3) show the reader that anger is only a surface emotion that is used to avoid dealing with more painful feelings, that cover up basic needs, and to show that addressing the need is the best way to resolve the bad relationship behavior.
I saw this idea first articulated in this article "The relationship needs circle: a way to understand and improve bad relationship behavior"
this is an article about men processing emotions, and why they choose anger reactions instead of facing more vulnerable feelings "Men and Emotions"

I want to model a marriage that is in a bad place, and show how it can be taken to a good place simply by changing how we see our partners and what they do. Marriage in real life is full of difficult emotions and conflict because two very different, very flawed people are trying to build a life together--but it can be so beautiful if you are willing to let go of your own blindness and choose to see the other person with love and compassion, and work to understand and meet their needs instead of reacting to things you don't like about them or their experience.

I really appreciate your perspective on how it read, maybe I can include more hints of the sadness, loneliness, and hurt that show they are there, but he is choosing anger to avoid feeling them. I will definitely add something to show he doesn't have violent intentions, and that he does love her. It is very important to me to show that he is a good guy, who has strong feelings, but he wants to be reconciled to his wife, he just doesn't know how. No one is the villain in their own story

To be honest, I liked the husband from the first draft better too, and I like imagining my husband that way, but it isn't true--YET. And the only way to get there is to understand how he really experiences the world, and love him enough long enough, and teach him clearly enough that he grows into that kind of person. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to see your spouse for who they are and accept how they really experience the world if you want to meet them where they are and help them grow through their insecurities and traumas (that is a beautiful marriage)

I would be very grateful if you could have a man in your life read the draft and ask if it is a real representation of how they might feel and react in similar situation.

again thank you so much for your time! it means a lot!
can I return the favor at all? I would be glad to proof read anything that you are working on 🙂