Critique revision

[frankiiij]

My Goodness! I cannot believe I made it into the top 16. Must be a lot on vacation lol.

I really like the angle so I decided to add to the room.

[chrisaakins]

Congratulations!!

[frankiiij]

Thanks. A year in a half in the making. Hopefully, I can make it back in a shorter time this go around.

[kirsten-mcg]

Congrats on making it into the top 16! I actually really love your original just as it is. I feel like adding the room around the sleeping rabbit is a little distracting. And a little ominous because of how dark the furniture is, and how close. He looks a little crowded. If you want to play around more with drawing the room, maybe try pulling back a bit? So make the rabbit smaller, keep the dream the same size, and maybe add some more space to the boarders so the furniture isn't crowding him. Or another idea is to just try taking out the ceiling fan and see if that helps?

[Melissa_Bailey]

@frankiiij congratulations on the top 16!

I just watched Critique Arena and agree with what Jake and Lee said -- the POV, while really cool, is not helping the storytelling.

Did you try a different POV like they suggested? It would be a great exercise in visual storytelling and if you didn't like it, you can always go back to this one.

Agreeing with @kirsten-mcg -- I prefer the original. While the redraw shows you can render an entire room, it doesn't help with the storytelling. It could actually be working to tell a different story than you intend; as Kristen says, it feels a little dark.

Here's something to consider: you could make this a sequential series of illustrations if you want a bird's eye POV in your portfolio. The sequence could be something like: (1) dreaming of winning the race, (2) in the race (does he make it in time? does he have to catch up?), and (3) actually winning the trophy he dreamed of. The 3rd illo would work great as a bird's eye POV.

Just something to think about.

[Nyrryl Cadiz]

@frankiiij first off, congratulations! tho i think ur revision is too dark. i definitely prefer the original. Maybe just move rabbit downwards and the dream bubble upwards.

[frankiiij]

@kirsten-mcg Oh my. So sorry so late. I don't get notifications.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Great ideas...both of them. Thank you for your wisdom!

[frankiiij]

@Melissa_Bailey Yes I know. I love picking different POVs and I am too stubborn. lol. I have not tried the other POV just yet, but I am excited. Those are some wonderful ideas.

[frankiiij]

@Nyrryl-Cadiz ummmmmm....smart!!!

[frankiiij]

@chrisaakins Thanks. A year in a half in the making. Hopefully, I can make it back in a shorter time this go around.