Thank you everyone who has responded! @jdubz @neschof @burvantill your very specific critique helped me pinpoint what I like and didn't like between the two pieces. I love the crispness of the mice watching the cell phone in contrast to their blurry soft background. After your help, I realized that it was my linework that was the issue. I am usually pretty good about small lines in the distance. I think when I did this piece originally, I was so in love with the my new brush pen that I got carried away.
I put in more atmospheric perspective, thinned out or got rid of many lines in the background, got rid of the white lines around the two front mice, and deepened some of the foreground value. Now it has more of the dreamy quality I liked about it in the first place.
I definitely want to polish up several of these and use them as the beginning of my portfolio and begin writing a manuscript about their adventures.