Critique on spread sketch requested

[Laura Hunt]

Hi everyone,
I would love feedback on this piece! Please let me know what I can change to improve it.

Per a recommendation in this forum, I am sharing my sketch before I add color so that it's easier for me to make changes. I would like it to be a spread to add to my portfolio and my goal is to illustrate children's picture books.

I am attaching the spread both with the gutter/bleed lines and without the gutter/bleed lines.

Thank you in advance! And for reference, my portfolio is at www.LHuntPaintings.com

And I'm adding the original version where the composition was a little different:

[ArtMelC]

Hello, cute illustration, Laura! These are my feedback:

1. I am guessing it is an underwater mermaid school setup, but the specific story is not clear. Are the things happening on the left side (tussle over an octopus?) related to the right side (teacher teaching in the classroom)? The focus seems to be the girl riding the dolphin but I am not sure what she is doing in the story.

2. The tail of the adult mermaid on top left is too close to the paper corner, it will draw the eye to exit the image to soon. It will be better to move her or make her tail point elsewhere.

[MimiHecher]

@Laura-Hunt Thanks for showing us the sketch first!

I agree that it is not clear what STORY you are trying to tell with this piece.
It seems like the girl with the dolphin is the main character, but why is she hugging the dolphin and why is it important that she is doing it in the middle of the school?

I don't dare to give feedback regarding composition as long as you don't tell us what the story of the illustration is about.

[jenn]

The characters are cute and this is a fun idea to show a different take on a classroom theme. I was wondering if the character on the dolphin is visible to the other characters? If she is zooming around, the other students would most likely be looking at her, distracted away from their classwork. That might add some element of a story/conflict to the scene.

[Griffin McPherson]

I would suggest fleshing out your story / concept a bit more. The mermaid classroom is a fun setting but what do you want to tell the reader and what would you like them to feel and think? Once you jot down some of those ideas you can start to tune into how you might evoke those certain thoughts and feelings with this illustration. Something else to keep in mind is creating space for text. Right now the best spot I can see for that is one the left page where there’s a sort of gate or door. If you made that a more uniform surface then it could be a good space for room for text. This has piece some strong potential but that makes it easier to get excited and move ahead too early which I do constantly. Hope this helps, I’ll keep an eye out for updates on this one!