Kamari in Progress

[Sarah VanDam]

Hi Everyone! I sure would love to participate in critique arena this month, so I hope I can get this to a place that feels finished. Right now, it’s in value study phase.

My story idea for Kamari is of a little girl who lives in a city that is “too fast, too loud and too square,” so a friend gives her a bus ticket. The bus takes her to the very last stop where Kamari steps out to find a remarkable dilapidated house that Kamari immediately sees beauty and potential in.

I want it to be the type of house I would want to renovate and live in (no adults allowed, and anything you imagine can be!) at, say, age 9.

[Sarah VanDam]

As a note to myself, it looks to me like I need to change her pose so that it’s clear that she’s arrived at the house, and not leaving it. Maybe draw footprints coming from the bus.

[Miriam]

@Sarah-VanDam You might also make the house more prominent than the bus. It's being overshadowed by the bus & cloud for me. (It is a cool cloud, though.) (But you may have plans to emphasize the house in the color stage.)

I prefer the sketched bus below the larger image. The exaggerated roundness in the top image made it take me a minute to recognize it as a bus.

I like the Kamari sketches on the last page - especially the top 2 & the bottom left. I like the way her hair curls & flows in those ones - which also goes with the theme of moving. The suitcase is a cute accessory.

Maybe you could give her a bright smile to show that she falls instantly in love with the dilapidated house, since it could be perceived as being left at a broken down place & miss out on the new beginning concept. (Although, we know that's where it's going by the text.)

[Chantal Goetheer]

@Sarah-VanDam I agree with @Sarah-VanDam. I feel the house should be bigger than the bus. And it would be great if she looks all excited while the house is a real pile of rubble. Maybe the busdriver could give a horrified side way glance. Maybe she could be stepping out of the bus? Or otherwise the movement of the pose could be more going towards the house instead of towards the bus. Footsteps also could help indicate that.

[Chantal Goetheer]

@Sarah-VanDam I do really like this take on Kamari.

[Sarah VanDam]

@Miriam Thanks so, so much for the feedback! I agree—I think the bus is a bit too overpowering. I’ll see what I can do about that. I might just take it out all together.

[Sarah VanDam]

@Chantal-Goetheer Thanks for this!

[Miriam]

@Chantal-Goetheer Yes, I like the idea of Kamari stepping off the bus, or a movement pose toward the house. And having the Driver with a horrified / appalled expression to contrast with Kamari's excited appearance would be great.

@Sarah-VanDam I like the idea of having a bus. I prefer the bus designs in the lower sketches — rather than ballooning over the house in the 1st image.

I'm seeing 3 groups of drawings:

1. the top image
2. a group that looks like two pages of a sketchbook
3. the bottom page on yellowish-tan paper

I like the bus near the top of the right page in the sketchbook / group 2 (shaded gray).

I also like the bus on the last page / group 3.

I'm looking forward to seeing this concept develop!

[kirsten-mcg]

@Sarah-VanDam I agree with what everyone else said. One more thing is that you might want to turn Kamari so that her body is facing the house instead of the bus. To me right now it looks like she's leaving the house to get on the bus and looking back at it. That's how I saw the story before I read you're description. I think the character pose you've sketched on the lower left best conveys that she's stepping off the bus and falling in love with the house.