Feedback on my first children's book story?
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Hi guys, I'm an illustrator not a writer but I've been interested in writing my own stories for a while now. I've written a few short comics before but never prose. I've had an idea kicking around in my head for while and I finally had some time recently to write it all out. Any feedback you have is welcome. Thanks in advance!
Eva and the forest spirit.pdf -
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Is this going to be for a picture book? How many pages do you think it'll be broken up into?
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@kayleenartlover I haven't made a dummy yet since I'm still working on the story so I can't say for sure. However I think the length is comparable to some of the illustrated fairytale books I read as a kid like Adriane Adams' "Thumbelina" which is 56 pages or Don Daily's "The Nutcracker" which is 52 pages.
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Hi @Mimi-Simon congrats on writing a whole story and for having the courage to share! I enjoyed reading your story and I have lots of thoughts!
It really has the feel of one of those old fairy tales like thumbelina or the nutcracker, and it felt like you had the story figured out, now I would recommend editing it down while thinking about the journey you want to take the viewer on. Think of it this way, in 3-d animated movies they build the set models and the character model and the prop models and stuff, lots of building--but you don't put it all on screen. your audience sees the film through the eye of the camera, and its focus makes the movie.
there are some things that I think can be cut or simplified or re-ordered for a stronger story. think of your stories like this " once upon a time...and every day... until one day... and because of this... and because of this... until finally... and ever since that day... The end"
it is most effective to have 3 conflicts in a story, three attempts to reach the character's goal--two makes a pattern and the third (successful this time) breaks that pattern.
the strongest stories come from a clear vision of what you're trying to say and bringing the reader on a journey of growth and change with the character. right now it feels like your story is trying to say a lot of different things, so none of them get fully explored. You've got: nature heals grief, respects nature, girls can be brave and save people, and giants don't have to be the bad guys, and neither are strong magic guardian people.
What i would recommend for this is to write your story in as few words as possible. write it as a sentence, then a paragraph, then three paragraphs, etc. that will help you boil down what is the idea you are trying to get across and might give you ideas on how to use the other elements to be supportive instead of tangential.The other thought I had, on another theme, is picture books are special. they get the strengths of words and pictures, which do different things. imagine you saw a picture of an apple that had the word apple typed over it. its a bit redundant. right now it feels like a written only story because you include so much visual information, which is true to the folk tales that were just oral or written like Grimms and stuff. I would invite you to make a version where you separate out the all the visuals as artist notes and see just how much it will strengthen your story.
So lots of thoughts, I hope it is uplifting and not overwhelming. the basic recap, it's got a lot of good things in it. See what happens when you write one sentence and other short versions. See what happens when you turn all the visuals into art notes so the pictures and words do different jobs and support eachother.
(I would recommend Invisible Ink by Brian McDonald if you are serious about story telling. it is a to-the-point tool box for building great stories of every kind. Pixar uses this book. I finally read it after listening to his podcast "you are a story teller" and it is just so great--like a HTFYStory class
)Blog: mamatheartist.blogspot.com
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@Mimi-Simon , great job on your story! I used to think of my self as a writer that also loves illustration. A common thing that is said among writers is "show, don't tell". When your writing, you want to immerse the reader in the story. Your story has a creative and intriguing plot, relatable and likable characters, and a lesson learned at the end. I recommend figuring out what reading level/age your target audience is. I think this would be a great early middle grade story (like 8-10.) I would make your main character about 10 years old and work on simpifying the words and looking how other stories in that genre work. Some great stories you might want to look at are Pizazz, by Sophy Henn, Tuesdays at the Castle (it's probably longer than what you're looking for), The Snow Girl, by Sophie Andersen and The Truth Pixie by Matt Haig.
See the language they use, the word choice, and how they tell the story. Pizazz uses images and words to tell the story (like Fart Quest and Last Kids on Earth) in a way that would make them difficult as anything but physical books, but the way they merge image and words to be equal partners in storytelling will probably interest you.
I think you have a great start and will soon, after a lot of revisions, have a great story. Feel free to reach out to me if you want more feedback or help. I love fairytales and writing them. Good Luck!!
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@Fey-Realme I actually bought Invisible Ink and read it and It was mind-blowing! In light of what I learned from it, I made a bunch of changes to my story and expanded it a bit. I am now pitching it to agents as a graphic novel since I got a lot of feedback that It was too long for a children's book.
If anyone wants to see the new proposal you can see it here. And of course feedback is always welcome.
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@Mimi-Simon Hey Mimi! Wow! I'm so glad that Invisible Ink was helpful to you! and I am really impressed with your artwork! I especially love the design of Witch Sorrel and I love love love the full-page concept art you have there at the end!! I am definitely on board to see this thing finished because it will be stunning!
Some questions that come to mind when I thought about how you would be using this to pitch your story to someone who has an attention span of 30 seconds, and if they decide to keep reading after that they probably only have 2-5 minutes :
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On the first page (after the cover) can the reader know everything that is most important about my story in the first 30 seconds of opening my proposal?
This would be like putting your elevator pitch first, assuming this is your one chance to sell them on the story. -
If they like what they see, but only have 2 minutes to be really convinced, what are the 3 most important things they need to see to be convinced? how can I show them these things with the most economy of time?
This would be like being careful not to repeat information in character introductions that is explored and explained in larger synopsis. -
How can I instill them with maximum confidence in my ability to do this project well?
this might be integrating the finished artwork into the sketchy/refined sample of the story like you would in a book dummy.
I got to submit my children's book story and dummy to an editor and some agents as a part of an scbwi event, and from the feedback I got, I realized that as an illustrator who has never published a project before, anyone I approach needs extra convincing that I can do the project--they always want the sure thing after all.
Another thought--I have read several children's books that are formatted like comic books or short graphic novels, (like Dan Santat's book Lift) so there is an in-between option, you don't have to go all in on a 200-page project, you could tell your whole story in a slightly longer than usual children's book that is formatted more like a comic/graphic novel, but doesn't have the 200-page commitment.
Another mindset thing about graphic novels is an idea I heard from Brian McDonald's podcast "You are a storyteller." He said that the graphic novel experience is a lot closer to the movies experience than to the book experience--he has actually published several graphic novels that were originally screenplays. So, If you feel daunted by the format, just ask yourself how whatever problem might be solved in your favorite movie, and see if a similar thing might work in your book.
And if you want to check out the pitch artwork of a graphic novel that is going to be released next year, this is inside the graphic novel pitch from my art hero, Gus Gordon (Into the Bewilderness)
I'm really excited to see where this project takes you! it is already beautiful
I am working on a graphic novel project myself in preparation for Graphic Novel Pro (supposed to happen in March) and I am using the "You are a Storyteller" podcast like a mentor-- I am doing story homework and analyzing movies and story stuff based on the podcast in these two threads (my journey) (our journey together) If you want to join me in that journey!
Cheers
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