I haven't been on the forums much since the new year because I've been doing a lot of planning, and it's proving a lot harder than I expected to find balance in my life between art and personal growth.
I've been here before and know this super confusing phase is actually part of the process of finding balance, but this one feels more intense than normal and I can tell I need to make a really difficult decision but something is holding me back.
I'm struggling and I'm just going to write the words out and see what I say and hope you can help with any advice at all.
I do automatic writing each morning while still half asleep, and it has been telling me lately that I need to play more and keeps saying to focus on studying. I have so many things I want to do, like I'm sure you do too, but I know we can't do everything … but How do you work out what you should be doing? and what do you do, when you know deep in your heart what you should be doing, but feel like you can't because your mind is saying you should be doing all these other things too?
Why do I feel like I need to be making videos, Podcasts, Social media etc etc?
Why can't I just say, no … don't do anything but studying for the next year.
Why can't I do that when I know that's what I want and know that is what will be best for me?
I just want to be ok with taking a year out to study. I am at a point in my life where I can do that, and the way I've set up my day job now means I have so much free time to study if I just allow myself to focus. At the moment I am too distracted by the feeling I should be doing all these others tings.
I want to cut everything out of my life for a year or so, apart from two main things
- Studying (with SVS and various Books I've purchased)
- Going deep into my Lucid Dream Practice
Thing is, something is holding me back. My automatic writing did say, you need to share your experiences. So I want to be plopping videos out from time to time about what I'm learning and stuff, because it is an important part of the process I think and I do enjoy making videos/podcasts but the truth is … I don't want to be forced into doing it. If I want to spend a month drawing and not doing any videos, how can I be ok with that? Because at the moment, I would feel guilty.
Than I ask, Who is saying we need to be doing all these things? Do I even need to be doing these things?
I think I do, because in a years time, I will have a different perspective on tings, and would rather talk about stuff as I'm learning, because it will be more relatable to someone else who is also learning, but again, it takes time.
I started a podcast last year and as an introvert, it was a way for me to prove to myself that I can do something like this, because I know being social and putting yourself out there will be part of being a successful Artist. It terrified me, but I did it, and I enjoy it... but again, it takes time.
Part of me thinks now is a period to play. Like, the other night I watched the SVS Sculpting class and have since purchased some clay and am going to sculpt a lilSOPHIE character. I am so excited, I never would have thought about sculpting.
Thing is, the plan yesterday was to record a video, but I didn't because I was out buying clay. I felt guilty, but I want to be free to explore, experiment and play.
I know this is maybe a silly thread because it's all in my head, I need to flick that switch that says … YES, it's ok to take a year out and play. If I could allow myself to do this, why can't I? I guess only I can answer this, but do you have any advice at all?
I'm also working on my mind and social skills with various spiritual practices as I have a lot of issues that still need work which I know will hold me back in the future, especially as I'm transgender and currently going through my transition, so the spiritual practice is key, but this takes time … I have enough time to do my spiritual stuff and studying, without feeling time pressures, but I think anything else will impact these other two areas … so I have to say no to a lot of stuff. I know this in my heart. I also know it's only no for now, not forever, yet it's still confusing.
My automatic said finding balance is a messy process … it really is.